Not Quite Crazy

I came home from the psych ward today, and I'm quite tired. But it was nearly a week of much needed isolation (to a point) and protection. One of the questions that staff members ask patients on a regular basis at this hospital is, "Do you feel safe?" And I did. I also benefitted from the group therapy sessions, and I'll begin outpatient therapy very soon. All in all, I feel better.

Although I plan to continue blogging, I'm going to blog from another space. "Above Sunset Boulevard" will be retired. I've been away from Los Angeles from almost two years now, and I think it's time I move on -- in many ways -- though I'd still love to live in L. A. My blogging efforts will, more than likely, increase, and anyone who truly wants to read my future stuff, just send a comment to this posting, and I'll send you the name of my new blog.

Until then, take good care.

And So It Goes (thank you, Kurt)

I write this from the psych ward at a major hospital in Minneapolis, MN, about 20 minutes from my current home in Bloomington, MN. Of all ironies, I'm in the same psych ward where my wife recently spent 10 days after a serious attempt to take her life. I didn't intend to admit myself to the hospital; rather, I came into the family aftercare program as a result of her recent unsuccessful try at easing her pain. And I just simply couldn't stop crying. The therapist took me to the E. R., and the psychiatrist on duty decided to admit me to the hospital. So here I am.

I feel a bit of relief from facing the storms in our lives, though I know I'll have to face them later. I hope to have a few more tools to work with. But for today, I feel almost safe. Now that the houseslipper is on the other foot, my wife is bringing me some clean clothes, and while she's here, I'll have a large chocolate shake at the in-hospital McDonald's, open 24/7.

A couple of oddities, and then I'll sign off for now. One young woman patient on the ward is from San Diego and truly dislikes the Twin Cities. She, too, came here at the invitation of a relative who later decided that she wasn't so welcome after all. And I just learned that another female patient worked for Eastern Airlines from 1967-1972 as a "Stewardess" and came through the Birmingham, Alabama, airport many, many times during my two years as an Eastern gate agent.

And as Vonnegut said so many times, "And so it goes."

March Madness

The title refers to basketball, though it could just as well refer to our lives here in cold, unfriendly Minnesota. My wife is home from the hospital after spending 10 days in the psych ward of a large hospital downtown. Her suicide attempt failed, but it wasn't from a lack of trying. She thought 30 prescription sleeping pills would end the pain, but we both learned that those particular pills, even though prescribed by a physician, aren't fatal, even if you take 30, which she did. So now she's attending daily therapy from 9 AM to 6 PM at that same large hospital downtown.

She'll never be able to return to the horribly stressful job she had, so our fortunes are definitely taking a turn for the worse. At least today, we're okay. And I'm taking life less than one day at a time. Sometimes I'm taking it a few minutes, an hour at a time. We have no friends in this very odd place called The Twin Cities. Neither of us find the people here very warm, pardon the pun. And almost every native I was able to bring this up to agrees with me. The people here are extremely reserved and wouldn't say hello if it brought them eternal life.

Again, think good thoughts of us as you go through your daily routines. We're both frightened about the future. And we're alone.

However

I reported in my last posting how much a little increase in confidence and hope means to one's view of life and to one's attitude toward life itself. I had been making progress from those dark days when I considered terminating my stay on earth. However, I chose to live, to keep trying, and it began to feel better and better.

But while I was progressing, I failed to notice how much my wife was going in the other direction. Both of us take anti-depressants, and she's been aware of her tendency toward depression since she was very young. Well, with the pressures of an inordinate amount of debt (which is our own doing) and a very stressful and difficult job (it's a job for someone 20-30 years younger), she decided last weekend that she simply couldn't cope anymore.

My wife ingested a month's worth of prescription sleep medication and lay down to die. Of course, I didn't know what she had done, as I had gone to bed early. But to her surprise, she awoke about the same time I did the next day, and groggily told me what she'd done. She said that she couldn't apologize, as she didn't expect to wake up. I called 911, and followed the ambulance to a major hospital in Minneapolis which has a psych ward, and that's where she is as I write, safe for now.

As if attempting suicide wasn't enough, she then came down with such a bad case of influenza that she had to be put on an IV, and the family session that we were to begin with has been postponed twice, probably until next Monday. When I delivered her glasses and some clean clothes to her today, she was still attached to the IV and looked so tired. There aren't words to describe how lousy I felt, but I was able to return a blown kiss and state my continued love for her. I probably will take a little break now, plan little or nothing, and wait for our uncertain future to begin unfolding. And yes, I am afraid.

We welcome all good thoughts.

As Spring Approaches

When I try to recall how poorly and nearly hopeless I felt just a few months back, I hardly feel like the same person. It's amazing what a little success, a little encouragement can do for a person. I've just been invited to fill out and complete the hiring package for online teaching at the U. of Pheonix, which I'll do quite before the deadline. When one has hope, one has almost all he needs. Almost.

This weekend we push our clocks forward and slide into Daylight Savings Time. But before the clocks move, the two of us will have the joy of hearing the Minnesota Orchestra again. This is a preview concert of the 2008-2009 season, and the menu is delightful: Haydn; Mozart; Beethoven; Tchaikovsky; Sibelius; Elgar; and others. It should be quite a night. And before we go to the concert, we're going to break bread together using one of several restaurant gift certificates we received over the holidays. As much as I really don't like Daylight Savings Time, I'm looking forward to Saturday evening.

As for location, location, location, I do think it matters in more than in sales. Living in this foreign atmosphere we find ourselves in puts an additional stress on us that otherwise wouldn't exist. So, while we have to face day-to-day living problems, we also carry that stress with us 24/7. We had found our home, but we just weren't sure enough, and the energy that brought us here was nothing but negative, bordering on evil, and we were blinded to the truth until it was too late to turn around. Put a good thought up for us to return to our true home, where the nearest snow is at least two hours away!

Movin' On

As my wife works in South Dakota today, I learn by email that I passed the last phase of training for U. of Phoenix. Actually, I did more than pass. My work was "top notch." Yes, I'm quite pleased, quite! The next phase is actually teaching two classes with a mentor guiding me along. Oh, how this creates possibilities, as every penny I earn can be placed against our debt structure, and we can get out of this frozen hell hole, and back to our spiritual home, Southern California. How I pray that I live long enough for this to come to fruition. Nothing can ruin this day. As most good alcoholics, I spent a lot of time worrying about failing when there was little or no chance that I would. Whew! What a relief!

My wife was working in San Diego last weekend, and it served to remind her of how much she loves the place, how beautiful it is. She and I spent many a long weekend in Pacific Beach in the San Diego area, and it cleansed us each and every time. It's interesting that no matter how difficult things seemed to us in Southern California, we thrived spiritually. Looking back, it was a huge mistake for us to leave, and it took coming here for us to realize this.

While we're here, however, we at least have sense enough to feed our spirits, so I scheduled three more trips to hear the Minnesota Orchestra. For those lovely two hours or so, we can exist in a world of beauty, our cares far away, unable to touch us. It's interesting that refreshments are served before curtain time, and some of the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever eaten are available. Who would have thought it? However, I'll happily trade a short stack of DuPar's pancakes and crispy bacon for all the chocolate chip cookies in Minnesota.

To change the subject again, the online training I've experienced in the last month has taught me truly that it's not what you say that matters, it's how you say it. Your tone comes through every time, and I'm sure that's why U. of Phoenix emphasizes care in communicating with your students. In any case, the training was fun, my classmates were highly educated, and I held my own with them. It's a loverly day today!

Blah!

Over the years, I've heard some people refer to the month of February as the "Blah Month." They assert that nothing happens in February and that nothing of note has ever happened. Well, I can't review every February in history, but I can claim that February 2008 has been an active and somewhat successful month for me and my wife.

First of all, I'm halfway through the second phase of training to teach in a major online university. So far, I've received good response from my postings in training and from my comments about others' work. I'm moving slowly toward being employed again, something I've missed terribly. Most people, including me, need some structure in their lives, something to participate in, and something to look forward to. The training and the possibility of teaching again give me all three. And it all began to truly take shape in the month of February.

As for my wife, though she, as I, must use an inhaler for our respective lung conditions, February has brought her continued recovery, such that she may be back to work on a full-time basis very soon. She also received news that she will have to go to San Diego (horrors!) to help get a new pharmaceutical study off the ground. I'm happy for her. My only twinge about it is that I can't go with her.

In this cold, cold February here in Minnesota, I also received an invitation to a wedding. The groom in this case is a former student of mine at California State University, Los Angeles, and he is now serving in Afghanistan as a Captain in the U. S. Marine Corps. He and his lovely fiance will be married on the island of Oahu, Hawaii. I hope with all my strength that I am able to participate in their celebration. This is an exceptional young man, and I'm prouder of him than of any student I ever had in almost 20 years of teaching.

Finally, I've finally properly adjusted my pain medication, and I can spend the necessary time at my pc for my current training and the teaching I hope to be doing online soon. So, this month, whose length changes every fourth year and now slightly over halfway completed, has been filled with good stuff. I'll take a few more months like the "Blah Month."

Oh, and I almost forgot. Our Valentine's Day was one of the best in a long time. I'll try not to be gone so long again. Hurrah!